The Reckoning
by Fallenbelle2
Summary: After everything they had sacrificed and went through to finally marry and be together, how the hell had this happened?
1. Chapter 1

Title: The Reckoning

Author: Fallenbelle2

Rating: Teen for adult situations

Spoilers: No specific episode, just general season 8 issues.

Summary: "After everything they had sacrificed and went through to finally marry and be together, how the hell had this happened?"

Genre: Angst, angst, and angst.

Notes: Plenty of folk have written stories that sought to fix the lack of Jilliam in season 8, but I seem to have gone the opposite route in that I decided to embrace the angst. Part of me likes it as is, because I'm not sure the show is going to fix Jilliam, and I don't really like going too AU in my fics. Although, I'm sure you'll tell me that this needs subsequent chapters, I just don't know if I can do it. But I am working on it, and you may be pleasantly surprised. For now, the story is complete.

* * *

As Julia closed the door to their suite behind her, she immediately noticed the light coming from the parlor. She had stayed late to work on some files, and came home later than she had meant to. But, as William hadn't called, she assumed that he had done the same, and hadn't thought to call and inform him of her late return once she realized the hour. They were a modern couple-they didn't need to explain themselves to one another.

Most surprisingly, it seemed William had beat her home and with a light step and smile on her face, she went to greet him-stopping abruptly at the sight that greeted her.

Her normally fastidiously presented man was anything but: tie and vest removed, collar and top buttons undone, sleeves rolled up fully revealing his attractive forearms and his even more beautiful hands-wrapped around a cut glass whiskey tumbler.

His hair was also unkempt, as he'd clearly been running his hands through it, and his eyes were unfocused-no doubt from the drink. Julia wondered how much he'd imbibed and her eyes immediately went to the still mostly full decanter of whiskey sat upon the table.

Relieved, she let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding before acknowledging that William wouldn't need much to be well under the influence, and judging from his dark and melancholic disposition, he was indeed drunk.

Or, was he drunk because he was in a dark and melancholic mood. Julia knew she had to tread carefully-she wasn't all that experienced with a drunken, moody William.

Come to think about it, she doubted that he was that knowledgeable about his drunken moodiness either.

"Good Evening, William. To what occasion do we owe this?" she asked, gesturing towards his beverage.

His response was a short bitter laugh as he downed the remaining contents of his tumbler and stood up, pushing past her. Putting on his coat and hat, he left their suite with nary an explanation.

All right, so she could add angry to melancholic and dark as well. Undoubtedly he felt she'd done something wrong, but as she sat down and refilled the tumbler with two fingers of whiskey for herself she couldn't think of what that might be until she noticed that laying on the couch next to her was a photograph of her taken years ago, as well as copies of their engagement and wedding announcements for the _Toronto Gazette. _

It wasn't yet their wedding anniversary-nor either one of their birthdays, as she knew she hadn't forgotten those dates, but she realized that it was the anniversary of their engagement as she glanced at the announcements. Too late, she remembered that William had reminded her to be home on time tonight for the past several nights as he had a surprise. Standing up to look around, she saw where a romantic candlelit dinner for two had been set along with a dozen roses and a beautifully wrapped gift lay alongside her place setting. The meal was long cold and the candles had long burned down-silently testifying how late and inconsiderate she'd truly been. Collapsing back onto the couch and into the cushions, she felt as though she'd received a blow to the chest, and she suddenly had trouble breathing.

Wincing, she immediately knew he must have thought that she didn't care as she had remembered his promises to never stop courting her and the care he'd obviously taken with this evening's plans.

When had she ceased to make him her priority? She was undoubtedly his, and she knew he was deservedly angry and hurt that she didn't make a similar effort. Truth was, William was an infinitely better husband than she was a wife, and she was forced to admit to herself that perhaps her own efforts were sorely lacking.

Sipping the whiskey, she tried to block out her thoughtless actions, waiting for his eventual return while reflecting on the state of their marriage and admitting to herself that her current model of modern marriage (which she did want) was not the exact version thereof she truly wanted.

But that was the trouble with a modern marriage-what was it supposed to look like? She knew her and William wanted to forge a new relationship for the 20th century, but the problem with 20th century marriages was that exemplars were few and far between. She didn't know anyone else who had a marriage like her and William to even ask for advice or use as a model.

She only knew what she didn't want, so she wondered. And waited. And like her husband had before, she drank while waiting for his return.

* * *

At some point, she must have fallen asleep, because at some point during the night she was awakened when she felt herself being picked up and carried into their bedroom. She knew instinctively that it was William and she wrapped her arms around his neck, even through her drunken, sleepy haze happy at his return as he laid her gently down onto the bed.

But rather than be tucked into bed however, he joined her, laying on top of her, immediately taking her mouth in a kiss full of passion. Quickly gathering her wits about her, she returned his fervor, eager to demonstrate physically what words could not express.

Truth be told, they'd never been good at words-actions suited them far better.

As they lay spent afterwards, she felt reassured that they could still work things out; the damage her inattentiveness had caused wasn't irreparable. She lay in his arms as he stroked her bare back, his thumb pressing over so softly into her spine-an action William knew Julia loved- as he buried his face into her hair.

Julia felt like the most beloved woman on earth, and she fell asleep satisfied and content.

* * *

Which was why she was disappointed to discover that he had already left when she awoke the next morning. But considering they'd just shared a night of passion that hadn't been experienced since their honeymoon, she wasn't too hurt. A talk was long overdue, but she was confident that they'd work things out. They always did.

Later at work and in-between patients, and knowing that they needed to talk, she thought about what she wanted their marriage to look like, and how she could explain that to William.

When she arrived home earlier than usual that afternoon so that she could surprise him with a special evening for them of her own efforts, she was surprised to see that William was already home.

Only he wasn't making preparations for a romantic evening. He was packing his things into his valise.

"William? Are you going somewhere? A case?"

William bit his lip and looked down at the floor before looking her in the eye. " I am going somewhere, but it's not a case, Julia. I think it's best if we separate-at least for a while anyway. But you don't need to do anything, I've taken a room at another hotel for a few days until I can find some more permanent accommodations," he quietly said before continuing. "I'll let you know of my permanent lodgings once they've been secured, but until then, you can reach me at the station if there's an emergency. But otherwise, we probably shouldn't speak to one another for a few days. We both have a lot to think about," he finished with an air of sadness.

"So, that's it? Just like that, you've decided that our marriage is over, and you're leaving me?" she angrily spat.

"You're the one who decided that you weren't interested in a marriage! I tried, Julia, I really did. I know I fell short years ago in demonstrating how important you were to me, and I did everything I could to convey that to you this time around. I've given into all of your requests-sometimes against my better judgment. I've made every effort to show and tell you what you meant to me-you know I'm terrible with words, but I've tried to tell you, and when I couldn't do that, I did every action I could think of, but it wasn't enough." he shot back.

"So now you're giving up? We're done, just like that? I never thought you would ever divorce me, William. You promised me forever! Have you already forgotten those declarations you made to me? Our wedding vows? I thought you were a man of your word, or has another woman made you forget those oaths," she shouted, throwing a pillow at him.

Catching the pillow with his hands, he tossed it back onto the sofa before continuing, "Julia, you're everything to me. You're my greatest strength as well as my weakness-why else would my adversaries have used you to get to me? Besides, you know that I could never divorce you, Julia. There will never be another woman for me. I'll love you until my dying breath, and even into eternity. Julia, it's you and no other. But I can't pretend anymore. I can't live in matrimony with a woman who desires me only for stud service and occasional companionship."

Julia's face contorted in anger. "Stud service! You think I married you for sexual services, William? Honestly, I can't believe you just said that" she shouted.

"Well, it certainly wasn't for any of the traditional reasons! You don't need my money, you don't need my protection, and apparently, you don't even need my affections! I have nothing else to give, Julia! I gave you everything I had, and apparently, it just wasn't enough. I can't give you anything else," he cried.

"Don't tell me you're still hung up on being a provider, William. I've told you that the money is ours-I don't expect you to provide for me, and I don't know how else to get that point into your thick skull!"

"I'm sorry, Julia. I'll come by another time for the rest of my things, if that's all right," he said softly, picking up his valise and walking towards the door.

Removing both her engagement and wedding rings, she got in the last word. "You may as well take these with you now," she shouted, throwing them at him. They bounced off his chest and onto the floor, where she caught the look of pain flash across his face as he bent down to pick them up.

Slipping them into his pocket, he put on his hat and left their suite.

As she heard the door close, she grabbed the vase of flowers and threw it across the room before sinking onto the floor in tears. After everything they had sacrificed and went through to finally marry and be together, how the hell had this happened?

She didn't want to live without him, but she didn't know how she could even begin to fix this. After having cried for an indeterminable time, she picked herself up off the floor, and staggered over to the drink cart, where she poured herself a large serving of whiskey and quickly drank it before pouring herself another. She didn't want to think about the implosion of yet another marriage tonight. Perhaps tomorrow.

Maybe.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't know how I feel about this, I originally wanted to leave this as an angsty one shot, as it was my attempt to explain the lack of Jilliam we'd seen this season. But then, 818 made it clear that there was no angsty explanation for the lack of Jilliam, and I felt it should be fixed. As I said, I don't know that I care for it, but I feel I must finish the story and move this off my hard drive so that I can work on other stuff (I hate unfinished stories.)

Thanks to Fralinger and I'dBeDelighted for their constructive criticism. This sucks less because of them, but all typos and grammatical errors remain mine alone.

* * *

The next day, nursing a hangover from all the whiskey she'd imbibed, she called in sick to the asylum, regretting her decision to drown her sorrows the previous night. But as her now bare ring finger taunted her, she was even sorrier for the way she had thrown her rings back at William. In the past, her first instinct would have been to run as fast and as far as she could, but there was no escape when you were the source of your problems. She'd learned at least that much by now.

By mid-afternoon, the nausea had passed and she was finally able to keep some food down as well as reflect on the state of her life and marriage. Initially, she was angry that he had left her over forgetting to come home for a single dinner, but she was soon forced to admit that she suspected that was merely the straw that broke the camel's back. She'd been acting without thought to how her actions might affect William for quite a while, and while he was partly to blame for not voicing his discontent before, she regretted having not taken more care to fulfill his needs and wants as he had so beautifully done for her. That was a mistake on her part, and it was one she wanted to rectify as soon as possible.

When she contemplated life without William, she was filled with despair, and immediately knew that leading separate lives would never work for her and hoped it would be equally unacceptable to him because the mere thought of never enjoying the simple yet profound pleasure of being held in his strong and loving arms ever again was unbearable. She was filled with unspeakable sadness when she thought of living the rest of her life without him, as well as the hurt she'd caused for him to even take the step of temporarily separating from her.

Later that evening after she had spent the entire afternoon analyzing where they'd gone wrong and having eaten dinner, she felt she better understood where the mistakes had been made and how to rectify them. In all her thoughts on what constituted a modern marriage, she had focused on avoiding the inequalities often imposed on women, and hadn't given enough thought to what William had wanted. It was as much his marriage as it was hers, and this had been selfish on her part to exclude him from it-he had rights and desires as well.

Of course she still held doubts as to whether or not she could change and still remain true to herself, but if William had changed to be the man she both wanted and needed, she was going to have to likewise to be the woman he both needed and wanted yet do so in a way that didn't ignore the people they were. Julia didn't want William to completely sacrifice who he was for their marriage, and she knew that he didn't want that from her either.

But to accomplish all this they were going to have to talk about their feelings, wishes, and desires; something they admittedly didn't do exceedingly well. However, neither could remain solely in their head-something they still unfortunately rather excelled at.

* * *

The next morning, armed with a plan and more confident and recovered than she was the day previous, she called Station House #4 from her office and asked for the Inspector rather than William. If her plan had any chance of working, she needed the element of surprise.

But first, she needed to find out where he was staying. There were any number of hotels in this city, and she wasn't as good or as efficient a detective as William; it would simply take her too long to figure out his whereabouts. She knew that William would have told the Inspector of his new address in case he needed to be called upon for a case.

She just hoped the brusque Yorkshireman who viewed himself as a father figure and mentor of sorts to William would take her call. She was hoping that he would be too much of a gentleman to refuse it.

She wasn't disappointed when he picked up the phone, but she also wasn't surprised at his response to her greeting.

"What can I do for you **_this_** time, Dr. Ogden?" he acidly spat over the line.

Julia swallowed nervously. He was furious with her, so while she doubted that William had told him the entire story, she now knew that the Inspector wasn't completely in the dark. While she had expected and counted on this, his words and tone still stung.

"Inspector," Julia began, and temporarily lost her nerve before resuming, "how is William?"

"Well Doctor, not so good. But that's to be expected I guess. He just lost the love of his life, as I'm sure you know," he bitterly replied.

"I see," Julia replied softly. "Please, Inspector, I need to know where he's staying. I need to talk to him, I need to right this situation," Julia pleaded.

"That's personal information, perhaps Detective Murdoch doesn't want you to know of his whereabouts at the present time. Perhaps he doesn't want to see or talk to you, Doctor. Not that I blame him, of course."

Julia was hurt at the man's anger, but she knew he was protecting William, and forced herself not to take it personally.

"Perhaps, Inspector, but I must talk to him, and do you think for a moment William wants to have this conversation at the station? Because if you don't tell me where he's staying, you'll leave me no choice but to speak with him there at the station in front of everyone. Don't think I won't do it, Inspector. This is the man I love, and my husband. I won't be kept away from him," Julia threatened.

She truly didn't want to have this conversation at the station either, but if that's what she had to do, then do it she would. She'd already decided that she wasn't giving up on her and William this time-she'd made that mistake before and she'd be damned if she repeated it.

She heard the deep sigh over the line and a long pause before he continued, his voice kinder and softer this time.

"On one condition Doctor, know this: Murdoch's a good man, a strong man, but he feels things keenly. I don't know the details or the whole story, and I don't need to, but be the woman he deserves. He's as sensitive a man as any underneath all that stoicism, and while he'd never admit it to any of us, he's a broken man right now and you need to fix that."

"There's much that we need to fix, Inspector. And I will do whatever I need to do, but I need to know where he's staying and your word not to let him know that I know where he is," Julia stated.

"Very well, Doctor. He's at the Empress Hotel in room 314, and I won't tell him that you'll be waiting there for him. I plan on kicking him out of the station promptly at 6."

* * *

Leaving nothing to chance, she left the asylum at 4, and stopped at their suite to fix her hair and add a bit of cosmetics to her drawn face to hide her tired eyes and hollow complexion. She also opted to change into the cream lace dress with black chevron stripes that she hadn't worn since their honeymoon in New York. She knew he had loved it then, and she was hoping that tonight it would help remind him why he married her-William always had loved a pretty package and tonight, she hoped that she pulled that off. She arrived at the Empress Hotel at a quarter past 5, and after pleading with the desk clerk and slipping him a generous tip, she managed to gain access to his room by 5:30

Upon entering, Julia noted that room 314 was small, but it was clean and well kept, even if it was sparsely furnished. Of course, William hadn't brought much with him, but on his nightstand she found his well-worn Bible as well as a tome titled _The Varieties of Religious Experience: A Study in Human Nature, _by William James, the Harvard philosopher and psychologist's fascinating new treatise on the relationship between religion and science, which she'd given to him a few weeks ago, her inscription scrawled on the inside cover.

Setting the book down, she opened the drawer to the nightstand and there was the framed picture George had snapped during their wedding waltz. It was her favorite picture as well, despite it not being one of the more formal portraits they had stood for. This one was candid, and she always thought it captured them perfectly. Her heart ached at the sweet memory, noting how adoringly they looked at one another, happy to be finally married and minutes away from finally consummating their relationship. Sitting down on the bed, she lost herself in the memory of the photo, blushing when those thoughts went to what had happened just a short while later in their honeymoon suite at the Queen's Hotel.

An indeterminable amount of time passed while she was lost in thought, and she was jolted out of her reverie when the door opened shortly after 6 just as the Inspector had promised. Seeing one another, they both gasped in surprise.


	3. Chapter 3

"Julia," he said, closing the door behind him, hanging his coat and hat on the chair by the door. "I must admit that this is a surprise."

Relieved that he hadn't turned around and promptly left, she set the picture down on the nightstand and stood up and wiped her suddenly sweaty palms on her skirt. She could only stare at him as though he were a glass of water and she was dying of thirst. She needed him that much. All of the apologies, promises, and pledges she had planned on saying were nowhere to be found and before she knew it, she found herself propelling herself into his arms, desperate to be held by him, and feel his heart beat against her cheek. In fact, she needed it as much as she needed the air she breathed.

He remained passive at first, with his arms hanging at his sides, but he quickly became an active participant, pulling her head back and exposing her neck and gently nibbled along her jugular, one hand holding her head still while the other hand traveled south to her derriere, bringing her into close contact with him. Julia merely moaned in response and arched her back so that she could offer herself to him fully. Abruptly, he pushed her away from him, having seemingly regained his senses.

"What do you think you're doing, Julia. Did you truly come here to seduce me? A quick tryst before you returned back to your suite?" he angrily asked.

"Seriously, William, why are you being such an ass? I just wanted to be held by my husband. You desire me as much as I do you-don't deny it! Besides, that was all you just now! If I'm a whore, then you are as well!" she fired back.

William ran his hands through his hair and sighed, walking towards the window, "I never said you were a whore," he said quietly, staring out at the street scene below.

But Julia continued, "Actually, I came back here to get my husband and bring him home where he belongs. But I am questioning that decision right now."

Spinning around, he answered. "Home? Julia we have no home. I agreed to live in a hotel suite with my wife as a sort of extended honeymoon, but one must actually have a wife for the honeymoon to occur."

"I'm not your wife because I'm not waiting for you every night with dinner?"

"Of course not. I know who I married, or at least I thought I did. No, I just thought our marriage would be different."

"How William? What did you expect our marriage to look like?"

"I don't know!" he angrily replied.

"You must have known, if you have this vision in your head that I'm not living up to, you must have an idea-what is it, William? How am I letting you down this time?" she asked angrily.

"I guess I thought it would be more affectionate. I know you don't need my money, nor my protection-though I do worry, but you don't need my affections either, Julia, and I wonder, do you even need me half as much as I need you? I don't think you do, and I don't know if I can continue live with you as your husband when you don't have much need for me," he quietly said-so quiet that if she hadn't been intently listening, she would have missed it.

And there it was, the unspoken desires and fears he had long suppressed. He felt unnecessary, when he was anything but. She needed him desperately, and couldn't fathom the thought of living without him. Though she didn't like it, it was what she needed to hear, what needed to be said.

"Why didn't you say this before, William? I've been asking what your thoughts were and you always agreed with me. Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"It's my job to make you happy, and I thought that living in the hotel, waiting to start a family were temporary. I thought these were things you would want soon. I never dreamed that you didn't want them ever."

"How do you know that I don't want them ever? I said I wanted to wait, William. There's a difference."

William didn't reply, but rather, he just stared at the ground, looking intently at the pattern on the carpet. As usual, he had no response, and Julia was annoyed, but she also knew that if he was that insecure regarding her feelings for her, she needed to be the one to right this. It was partly her fault for not being better at letting him know of her feelings, and she knew she needed to be better about communicating that either with words, or with actions as he did.

"William, would you have dinner with me?" Suddenly she felt very hungry, and realized that she hadn't eaten very much the past couple of days, and guessed that he hadn't either.

William blinked in surprise, and nodded his agreement.

A few moments later, bundled up in their coats, and strolling through the snowy streets of Toronto, they headed towards their favorite restaurant when they had been courting-they hadn't returned since their marriage, opting to take almost all of their meals at the hotel. This had been a mistake. Just because they were married didn't mean that they didn't have to make an effort with one another anymore.

Over dinner and desert (she had foregone the wine this evening), they discussed the book currently sitting on William's nightstand, and how religion and science intersected. Julia often wondered how William reconciled his love of science and scientific theory with his traditional religious dogma, and she loved hearing his explanation of how acceptance of one did not necessarily preclude acceptance or adherence to another. What seemed to Julia to be two competing thought systems co-existed peacefully in William's mind, and as she listened to him opine on the topic, she had to admit that he had a point.

After leaving the restaurant, and not yet ready for the evening to end, Julia convinced William to take a sleigh ride through the park with her, where she enjoyed just snuggling with him tucked under the wraps while being held in his arms. Not much was said other than commenting about the beautiful winter night sky and the splendid glory of the park in her winter finery. After an hour, while reluctant to see the evening end, they were too cold to remain outside much longer.

Thus, they walked back wordlessly to William's hotel, both contemplating the numerous ways this evening could end. They stood silently on the sidewalk, staring intently together.

Sighing, Julia took a breath and went for broke. There was only one acceptable outcome for her. "William, the other night…the last time we were together…you were most passionate…I…I think you still have feelings for me, and I can't see how those were the actions of a man no longer in love with me. Please tell me that you still have feelings for me, William. I can't let this be goodbye, I just can't, William."

"Julia…I…of course I…" he stumbled, fumbling for the words that expressed his feelings, just as he always did. However, instead of continuing attempting to poorly verbalize his feelings, he merely grabbed her hand and placed it inside his coat, under his vest, over his heart. She could feel it pounding, strong and clear, and she looked up from where her hand was to his face, where his eyes corroborated what his heart had already told her.

Though she hadn't been the one to leave, Julia decided to swallow her pride and make the grand gesture herself. Sighing, she stepped into his space and again wrapped her arms around him, whispering into his ear, "William, I can't do this without you, I can't live without you."

She felt his breath hitch and he finally took her into his arms, burying his face in her hair.

She pulled back slightly so she could see his face, "Please come home, William. It may not be a traditional home as of now, but it is where we live until we make other arrangements and plans for our future," she pleaded.

"I've missed you, Julia. Terribly."

"And I've missed you, love. Immensely. Can you forgive me, dearest William? While you excel at showing me how you feel for me, I didn't know you were frustrated. I need to know that William."

He nodded, and they went into the hotel and up to his room, where they began to gather his things to bring them back to their suite where he belonged. As he had few things, it didn't take long, and as he closed his valise, he walked over to where she was waiting and gathered her in his arms.

"I do forgive you, and I was hurt, but I could never stay angry at you, and you're right, I need to better express my thoughts feelings to you as well. I don't want to live without you either, Julia," he agreed, tracing her jaw with his finger as she noticed his eyes turn black with passion.

Julia knew where this was going and as much as she wanted to make love with him, she knew that further discussion needed to be had. Walking her towards the bed, he began to expertly undress her.

"William, we really, really need to further discuss matters. We can't just always rely upon our gestures and deeds to speak for us-we mustn't always live in our heads."

"And we will talk, Julia. But first, I need to show you how much I've missed you Mrs. Murdoch."

"And I've missed you, William Murdoch. You're the only man for me, and I don't want to live without you."

"You won't, Julia. I can't live without you either," he replied, deftly unfastening the buttons to her dress and carefully sliding the dress off her shoulders and down her arms before it soon pooled onto the floor at her feet.

As much as she wanted to resume their physical relationship, (and oh, how she wanted it) she needed to make sure he understood how she felt about him emotionally.

"No, William, you don't understand," Julia said, putting her hands on his shoulders to cease his actions. "William, I promise to never stop courting you. I will always flirt with you, make sure I look my best, and I will also make sure that you know how much I need and appreciate you for just being you.

In response, a slow smile spread across his face and in response he began the torturingly slow removal of her corset (something he knew drove her mad) and she figured that the least she could do was to let him have his way.

This time.


End file.
